The Australian Psychological Society defines grief as “the natural reaction to loss [that] can influence the physical, emotional, cognitive, behavioural and spiritual aspects of our lives.” In other words, grief is a normal response to change or loss which has a physical impact on our bodies as well as affecting our emotions, the lens through which we see the world and our sense of self. This is true for children, too.
What does grief look like in children?
Children, like adults, will display a myriad of emotions in response to a loss and express their grief in highly personal ways. Of course, the way a child grieves is influenced by their age and ability to understand what has happened, including the concept of the permanence of death. But there are other factors that will influence individual expression, such as a child's personality or their natural proclivities for responding to stress, uncertainty and unfamiliar situations. What is almost always true however is that children, and adults, oscillate in the intensity with which they display grief. They may alternate between deep hurt and episodes of playfulness, at times appearing to be entirely untroubled and at others profoundly affected by their loss. As there is no 'right' way to grieve, it is important not to judge or chide a child for the way they are expressing themselves.
Emotional reactions can include...
anxiousness, fear and sadness
anger and frustration
putting on a brave face for, or in front of, their parents
Physical reactions can include...
headaches
stomach aches
tiredness
apathy
difficulty concentrating or focussing on an activity
Behaviours can include...
a regression to younger behaviours
acting out in school, at home or with friends
being clingy, needy or uncooperative
wanting to make everything ok by being overtly cheery and helpful
How can we support our children in their grief process?
As parents we try to protect our children, not only from danger but also from feeling pain and sadness. This is an innate parental urge. However, it is important to realise that we cannot undo or take away the loss our child has experienced. Instead, it is a parents' role to support their child through the emotions they are feeling, for example by helping them try to understand those emotions and working through them.
This is especially difficult for a parent to do when they are themselves grieving. It is ok if on some days a parent feels more or less capable to support their child - this is life in its rawest, most honest moments, and no one can achieve what they simply haven't got the capacity to in any given moment.
give yourself time to grieve too, if you are a parent supporting a child through a shared loss
work on creating or maintaining a strong, loving relationship with your child
use clear, factual and age-appropriate information to talk about their loss
use warm, open communication to validate your child's emotions by inviting them to share their thoughts and feelings
give space to big and possibly contradictory feelings (anger, sadness, joy, etc.)
create 'grief timeouts' and allow for moments in time and space to be silly, playful and joyous
give a child opportunities to be involved in decisions linked to their loss, including funeral arrangements, commemoration rituals, etc.
If you feel unable to support your child to the degree you feel they need, you can always seek professional help. Child psychologists, bereavement counsellors and social workers are there to support families through loss. There are also fabulous non-profits and charities offering specialised support for grieving children.
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